I feel like every blog I read by another Dom/me is written by someone so much more confident, so poised, so in control. I never see them post about their struggles, their issues. The most I see is complaints about their submissives not behaving as they want them to. I'm sure that most of these blogs are written to focus SOLELY on the BDSM aspect of their specific relationship, but I can't help but end up feeling wholly inadequate at times. Am I missing something? Am I just NOT the person I keep feeling so much more like I really am? I'm confused. Honestly, I'm a mess.
I had plans for tonight; not only do I owe Pet a session in the basement - a fact he is not in a hurry to let me forget, apparently - between last night and a minor irritation on Pet's part, this morning I decided I was really, really in the mood to do exactly this. I even informed him I would. Due to my sometimes mercurial mood swings, I try not to make promises or offers unless I'm 100% sure that these things will come to pass, because it's not fair or acceptable to be in control and lead him on. But things changed so much in the course of one day. Everything about my mood, my temperment, everything.
See, I love being in control. I really, really do. But in my actual life, I'm not a controlling person. I'm not domineering, or demanding. In fact, I tend to be fairly go-with-the-flow, and I rarely speak up or against much of anything. I always find that life is just easier if I let things go. Most of the time, it's no big deal. And because of that, the people around me tend to overlook me. I let bigger personalities take charge to avoid causing waves.
But Pet... is supposed to be MINE. I am not supposed to have to share his priorities, his devotion, with anyone else. I respect that he will still love his family, and that we have a child who absolutely has to be a priority as well. But in all things, he is my priority. I try very hard to make him aware of that. I may disagree with decisions he makes, but I always support him - even, sometimes, by BEING that devil's advocate who shows him another side of the coin. He keeps asking for time spent in TPE. He specifically requested this a few days ago, asking for me to take complete control for a few days. We have a lot on our plates right now, and he needs a break. I want to give that to him. But it's impossible. I can't do it. I can't do it because I don't have that kind of control over him. I am never his priority outside of our playing. For some reason, I never have been. He is a very me-oriented person, and to be fair, was a bachelor for a long time. But he does things, on a semi-frequent basis, that demonstrate that his primary thought is for himself, not for others. We struggle for months, he refuses to get a credit card, then does so without talking to me because he "sees a good opportunity". He takes my car to work instead of his SUV, to save on gas, but leaves it at work because it's more convenient for HIM to drive his work truck home... even though he knows I hate letting my car sit out in the middle of nowhere all night, and I hate driving his SUV should I need to go somewhere. Despite multiple requests, this happens over and over. He is offered a free ticket to an NFL game (football being one of my favorite things in the world) on my birthday weekend (my birthday being my ACTUAL favorite day of the year..) and gets angry and upset that choosing to go hurts my feelings. If I want to go do something, I am lectured for an hour on why we can/cannot afford it, how it would be irresponsible, etc. If he wants to do something, he doesn't ask me, we just do it. Or, rather, he does. We don't go out much due to our financial situation, but rather than an inexpensive dinner and time together, he put beer on the credit card once. In our almost 2 years together, he has not been able to stop thinking like a single person. It is infuriating.
If I am sitting here quietly doing something other than focusing on him, he will badger me, asking me over and over what I want him to do. If I tell him to do as he wants - as in, I don't need him for something - he is arrogant and flippant and comments on my being "way too nice" or things of that nature. These comments make me feel small and, ultimately, revert power to him. UIltimately, I am being made to feel like I am not living up to his expectations. When I comment that I should not need to entertain him, he argues that he wants structure. What he wants, in reality, is attention - that I should not have to pay him, if I am in control and don't feel like paying him. It's not like he earned the attention. He feels that if I am not giving him something to do with himself literally every minute of the day, I am not in charge.
I have a seven year old. I wasn't aware I also needed to provide a three ring circus for my submissive - a man who, I openly admit, is far more needy when it comes to entertainment than I am. Give me a book or a video game and I'm good for hours. He needs something to do 24/7. And being the sole source of his entertainment is not something I want or need or desire in the slightest.
Top this off with an explosive issue this evening regarding his inability to put me first, to trust my opinion or even my RIGHT to an opinion, and no. I didn't want to play. I am hurt, I am angry, and I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to try and decompress from his hurtful outburst. I don't know what to do in this situation. I feel like a Domme with any experience or confidence in Herself would have punished him, would have taken control of the situation. But again, despite his clearly expressing a desire for this, he doesn't actually want it in practice. He is the sort of person who does anything he can to please the people around him... he just has this uncanny knack of including my wants, thoughts, and desires into his sacrifices. To make other people happy, it's fine if I am upset, hurt, or ignored. I love this man with all of my heart, but for all of selfless actions, he can be a very selfish person. He wants to make everyone happy so no one is upset with him.
So tonight, he is in bed without me. Because I'm still angry. I'm still hurt. And I'm frustrated, because these situations leave ME feeling like -I- have failed, but I can look at this post and see a hundred places where HE failed. These may not be as clear to you because I don't like to go into details about our personal life here, but this situation happened because he wants something he can't actually accept.
Let me make it clear that if he only wants us to have a BDSM relationship in the bedroom, that is something that is acceptable to me. I'm not being irrational. If he is not willing or able to accept and desire my judgement in his "normal" life, then that is fine. Those are clear boundaries that I can set, understand, and deal with. But this can't keep happening, because tonight has been entirely too much for me. Pet needs to make some decisions about what he really wants out of this relationship. So far, we have not been extremely structured. We've been trying new things regularly, trying to find what works for us. Going forward, I don't think this cavalier attitude will continue to be acceptable to me.
I feel like we've reached a point where I, at the very least, will require clearly drawn boundaries and guidelines for our relationship. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep being disrespected because of other people, and I certainly should not and will not keep making excuses for situations. If he wants to continue on our BDSM journey, he needs to be clear and define exactly what it is he wants and expects from me. If he cannot do that, then it may be time for us to move on in a more vanilla capacity until perhaps our day-to-day settles down a bit and we can try to find our way, then. Until that conversation is had and at least some sort of quasi-contract is made, the paddles are put away, the cage comes off, and I sit this one out.
I can't take another night where we sit in silence for almost four hours because we're both irritated and angry and he goes to bed, only telling me he loves me as an afterthought, when prompted. This entire thing has been about bringing us closer, and I won't allow it to tear us apart. In the beginning, this brought us so much closer together. It was pushing my weaker sexual drive, and that helped even out the discrepency in our desires. It made us talk more openly about things both sexual and not. I felt like we had a clear direction. But now, it's nothing but mixed signals and interference. He gets off, and immediately wants to know exactly when he will be allowed to get off again. "When you earn it" is not an acceptable answer to him.
So, I guess what I'm saying is he needs to decide who is actually in control, because I am exhausted and done butting heads over it. Either I am, or this doesn't work. We both know I cannot be the submissive that he might want if the situation were reversed, and that, honestly, he isn't a dominant person.
Sorry about rambling; I just needed to vent, and I have no one offline I can talk to about this.
<3
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