Dazed and confused

For reasons I have no need to get into here, tonight we asked to borrow money from my in-laws. This is hardly a fact I am proud of, but the fact of the matter is we have a lot on our plate and right now, we're not financially secure. We did not ask for much, and they were only too happy to loan it to us - they are not exactly the Hiltons but they live quite comfortably - but something my mother-in-law said to my husband tonight is bothering me. For anyone reading who is looking for the dirty sexy fun times, this blog isn't for you. Feel free to skip it. But as I stated before, this blog is for him, and I need to get this off my chest and I don't know a better way to do it, because my thoughts are too messy to talk this one out.

I come from far more humble beginnings than my darling Pet does. The last few months we have been doing our best to make ends meet, but my health took a dive and we're fighting to make it on one decent income. My family has never, never asked if we needed help. They have simply given it. Geoceries, money, time - these things are given freely and with no expectation. We are not made to feel bad in any capacity. Ever. And the few times I've actually had to ask, I have done so on my own, without talking to him, because they are MY family, and how awkward would it be to force him to be a part of that? Don't get me wrong - my family adores Pet, loves him to death, period. And I do believe that his family likes and accepts me.

Tonight, he insisted I be with him when he asked for help. I expressed my discomfort with the situation and was, summarily, disregarded. This is why we have blogs. Because we're both literally the worst at making ourselves heard or understood. Anyway, I went. I went because I wanted to support him. I know this wasn't easy for him, not even a little bit, and that is my job. Not only as a wife, as a support system. But as a Domme, it is my job to see to his well-being. So I, too, disregarded my discomfort and went to his parents' house for dinner.

The minute the words were out of his mouth, they were falling all over themselves to offer help. It came with an interrogation regarding my current position as unemployed, but I tried to be present in the situation and be as open and honest as possible. This wasn't just uncomfortable for me. This was agonizing, and I felt like I was being judged and picked apart. It does not matter to me whether or not this was the case - as his father so delicately pointed out, we brought up money, and that made it fair game in his mind. So I sucked it up, smiled sweetly, and divulged about my life. And then his mother said that he knows all he ever has to do is ask. Trying for levity, I teased my husband and made the comment that no one knows he needs help unless he tells them.

She immediately interjected that they know we need help, but that he should have to ask.

I saw red. I didn't speak for a long moment, and thankfully there was enough conversation to keep my dumbfounded silence from being obvious, but I'm still just completely floored. I'm angry. Furious, almost. My family, living on a fixed income that likely doesn't touch the interest they make on what they have sitting in the bank, alone, has bent over backwards to support us and be there for us. We don't have to hold out our hands, they are happy to give and be there, guilt free. Please, understand that I am sure he still feels guilty, as that's just how he tends to be, but there are no expectations, no lists of debts owed. His family expects us to... what, beg?

It took all my strength to accept what we need to get through the next couple months. I don't even expect him to understand this, but I couldn't let it sit here in my heart without saying it out loud. I'm so hurt, so offended, on his behalf. I was a single mom for a long time; humbling myself does not hurt me anymore. But how do you TEACH a man pride, demand it, raise him that way, and then demand he prostrate himself to receive your "generous" charity?

I'm going back to my vodka. It's going to take me some time to get over this one.